Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Surviving the most devastating moment

I feel so strong whenever she's around.. I feel that I can endure everything just hearing her voice.. Just a touch of her rough hand comforts me, and makes me feel everything will be alright.. 
I grew up with my mom always by my side. From the very moment I had my first step, my first medal and diploma, my first crush, my first singing contest experience, my first boyfriend, my happiest moments, even in  my most disappointing moments. Never knew that very soon, God will let her rest from the fight. All happened in the year of 2011. The WORST year of my life.

JANUARY... I was submitting my first job application, she was with me at that time, she's experiencing hoarseness of voice, without experiencing cough or anything that might cause her to have that symptom. Still, she's very lively and very excited to see me working as a nurse, looking forward to see me in a green scrub suit.

FEBRUARY... We're both busy helping my cousin and her mom (my mama's sister) preparing for her 18th birthday celebration. The very day of the celebration, she was still able to sing and dance for my cousin.

MARCH... We already knew her case, lung cancer. Forgotten how. She refused to have medical intervention, so we started consulting to an alternative doctor, the whole family was very strong-willed that she can survive. We bring her to the clinic every now and then, started strict organic diet (the whole family joined her just eating veggies and fruits ONLY).

APRIL... I stayed with her in my grandma's home in Sta.Rosa Laguna, for her to have a healthy environment,  away from all the pollution here in Manila.

MAY... She almost had her voice back! She started singing "How Great is our God" in her normal voice (I remember moments we made it in duets!) Happy days! Plus my Papa came back from Saudi to take care of her!

JUNE... She continuously lose weight, believing it was because of the diet. But she had a very glowing skin and healthy aura.

JULY... My Papa left to go back to work, we need money for her treatments and supplements, he needs to work... At the same time I was hired as a nurse in Asian Hospital.

AUGUST... At the mid of month, we rushed her to hospital, she wasn't able to move and feel her legs, we taught it was just because of electrolyte imbalance, but NO... The lesions caused by cancer already invaded her spine area, caused her not to feel her legs and move them. The doctor already dropped the bomb to us while we're viewing her CT Scan plates. NO HOPES, NO CHANCES, we're going to lose our mom sooner or later... There, she started to be bed-ridden, we had her room set-up for her comfort.  The whole family worked altogether to take care for her and provide all her needs. Give her joy and happiness. But still in our hearts, WE STILL HAVE THAT LITTLE SPARK OF FAITH, that one day she'll stand up and survive cancer.

SEPTEMBER... Still have the SPARK OF FAITH, together with my aunts and uncles from both sides, we all had our schedules worked for us (at least) have someone to stay with her (aside from the caregiver that we hired), because that time, we are all working. We didn't want her to feel that she's alone. Personally, me, after working for 8 hours in the hospital, I have to sit by her side and take care of her. We, (Me and my siblings) talks and we all still believe that God will heal her and let her be with us for a longer time.

OCTOBER... We continuously prayed altogether with the church congregation, her friends, the whole family for her recovery...

October 11, at 6 o'clock in the morning. My older sister, woke up early to prepare mama's breakfast, mama was still asleep. Every now and then my sister will check on her to see if she's already awake. Then she was surprised, mama is not breathing anymore. She asked our cousin to check mama, and yes, she already left us...

     That time I was still on the hospital, endorsing my patients to incoming nurse. I have no idea. Until I came home around past 8AM, I came to an empty home. Until my aunt break the news to me, she's gone... I didn't even shed a tear while she's talking to me, maybe the news still didn't sink and hit me at that time.

     Few days passed, I already came back to our home here in Valenzuela. I still didn't shed a tear, mama was already in the funeral parlor and my siblings was preparing for the wake. I didn't want to see mama. I was afraid I might break down. Until my ate showed me the pictures of mama inside the casket. I didn't cry, I held back my tears with all the strength I have. I stayed in my room, I prayed, then there, I cried. I started to ask God the question WHY??? Why He gave us hope that mama will recover, then now He took her??? PAIN, SUCH A PAIN!!! It was worst than tearing your skin and breaking your bones while your alive! "Lord, You took the person whose been with me all my life! Whose been there for me in my happiest and saddest points of my life! You took the person who taught me how to have faith in You!"

     Until the days of wake started. I hid my sadness and tears, facing people with smile and telling them I'm okay. 

     My papa came home from abroad and finally we we're able to bring her to her body's last home.

     I won't lie, It was like hell. I cursed God. I hurt and even tried to kill myself. But those things didn't helped me.

     I came back to work, made myself busy, showed and made others believe that I'm still okay. I asked my boyfriend to disable my mom's account and delete all messages in my facebook about condolences. I didn't even want to hear anyone to say their condolences. I kept quiet. Taking it all in. Hating God.

    Then,  no exact magical turning point moment for me. It was gradual. God broke everything to me slowly. I don't know how and when he healed me. I still have the same questions in my mind, but  what's changed? My heart. 

     We experienced loss because we experienced having. It was just like we experience darkness because we experienced the light. We should STILL be thankful in losing something or someone because it means we experienced having it, her or him, rather than not experiencing having and losing. And I thank God for those moments that when she needs me to take of her, I'm there. I was able to make her feel my love and gratefulness.

     The Lord gives, and the Lord takes. Still I praise and thank Him in everything. 

Let me quote this from the Bible:

     It says in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."

     We are right all the time in believing God is going to heal mama. YES, SHE'S HEALED. Not just physically, but truly, she's there with the angels, singing, dancing, and worshiping GOD!

I did this post in celebration of MOTHER's day. I can't greet my MAMA anymore, but this is my way of awarding my HERO...

Rosario Principio Mascariñas

Here are some of her pictures:
9 months, she took care of me inside her womb isn't that easy. But taking care of me, for 21 years, outside her womb is more difficult... 
A very strong woman of faith. Even she's in the midst of pain and suffering, she still finds peace in her heart with the Lord.. 
A Mother who's been there all the time...Through our failures and success.. 

This one reminds me, that she's the one who's
taiming and disciplining me whenever I'm doing wrong..
My Greatest Hairdresser... 

A picture that reminds me that whenever I cry, She's always there to carry me and make me feel better..

She loves teaching children to know God and  helping them to let God in their lives.

She also dances! (for the Lord!) =D

Our Divisoria shopping buddy!
(December 2010--Buying Christmas gifts!)

In my cousin's debut! Bet you already know where I got my beauty genes!

Our first pictures of bonding TOGETHER, COMPLETE! After many many years!

My Brother's Graduation, after many, many, MANY years! (hehehe!)

Her picture while watching my video singing for her... (Mother's Day 2011)

Lose a lot of weight, but still very pretty! 

Mall-ing moments... (bet you can't tell she's fighting cancer in these pictures!)

On my Grandma's 79th birthday!


Here's the link for the video I made for her:

Greet, hug, kiss, express your love to her not just this Mother's day. Make her feel your love everyday!

Loves and blessings,
Jerose <3


  1. I almost cry while reading your post. Super proud of you my dearest Je. I'm sure your mom is really happy and proud of you lalo ngayon she's with our Savior na. :)

    Happy Mother's Day to all mom's in the world. We're really blessed to have them.


    1. Thanks marse!!! Yes, I'm working hard to make her proud kaya nga ewan ko nalang kung di pa siya masaya!!! hahaha... Seriously, I sure if she's here, she'll be very happy and supportive to me, lalo na ngayon, I'm chasing my dreams! Happy mother's day to your mom lovie! See you on 11th!

      loves and blessing!

      --je <3

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  3. galing te! very inspiring! continue to write for the Lord and inspire more people through this blog.^^

    1. Thank you Sarah!!! Hehehe! Hirap mag-english!Anyway, kahit duguan tayo (dahil sa nose bleed) post lang ng post!All for God's glory!!!

      loves and blessing!

      --ate je

  4. This post is a roller-coaster of emotions! I was holding my tears while reading, and laughing with the pictures at the end. HAHAHA! Brilliant! She is proud of you! :) Stay strong, beautiful lady! Love love! :)

    1. Thanks my dear! I'm also glad that you met my mom before she left, atleast you have an idea of her... Dami pang pictures, just don't want to over do it... Happy Mother's day to you and to your mom! Love love love!

      loves and blessings

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  6. just keep ur faith and always be strong ndi natin alam what will happen sa araw araw..God has hes own plan for us... ngaun ako na ang mama at ate mo..wla akong hanggad kundi ang maging maayos at masaya ka at maging handa ka kung sakaling ako nmn ang mawala..ingat lagi at tandaan mo mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat...God bless

    1. Thank you Ate, alam mong mahal ka din namin inspite of our disagreements and differences..Happy mother's day to you!<3

  7. Hi Shobe :) I was browsing your IG and found this link :) it seems like you haven't opened this for quite a while now. I only had a glimpse of what happened to your mom coz of your kuya. Reading this makes it clear to me that you have a blessed family to have a mom like her. She must be so happy with what you have become now. Though we may not know each other that well yet. I want you to know that your kuya is such a blessing to me. He just makes me happy. I don't know when you'll be able to see this. Meeting you and ate makes me even more happier coz you guys are the most important people in his life :) I haven't met your dad but hopefully soon when the right time comes :) just continue to be a blessing to everyone shobe. Continue to fulfill your dreams. You can always drop me a msg in IG if you need me :) And always be there for your kuya and ate and your papa :) God bless! :) - Raf