Shedding Off Happy Face

It is awkward to share my struggles here in my blog and I know, I promised to post things that would inspire you. But there’ll be times that I need to shed off my happy face and show you my heart’s content, and somehow, help me go back to my divine senses.

             

             
               I’m a licensed nurse for 5 years, been hired in a hospital for 2 years. I’m sure madaming  nurse ang magkakandarapa to be in my place. I’m not happy with my work anymore, I get stressed out and tired, even just  knowing the fact that I’m going to work later, it seemed to be a burden to me na. I have some issues with where I’m working, sigurado ako kahit sinong empleyado may reklamo with their boss, their company, etc. Pero it’s not just because of them, it’s because I’ve fallen out of love with my job—BEING A NURSE.  

It’s like you’re in a relationship na hindi kana “in-love” sa partner mo, like how girls call it, wala nang “spark” or “magic”. Before, you just got home after being with him, namimiss mo na agad siya, you’ll text or call him agad. Inaabutan kayo ng madaling araw sa paguusap, the moment you wake up, excited kana agad makasama siya. Ngayon, naiirita kana sa pangungulit at paglalambing niya. As much as possbile ayaw mo na siya kasama sa mga lakad mo, whenever he texts or calls you, deadma kana. That’s just exactly how I feel. I have fallen out of love with my job, or maybe, I am not really in love with it. Dati, excited ako pumasok sa trabaho, napaka bibo ko doing my job. Ngayon, parating may absent ako monthly or late, may mga memo na nga ako e. Hangga’t maaari makapag-log out na at umuwi, or kung pwede, umabsent nalang.

Why I took nursing? I obeyed my mom. Sila kasi gagastos for my studies. And she was so good, she was able to persuade and make me believe that I’ll be a good nurse. And also, uso kasi nursing that time, malaki daw sweldo… That is if you worked abroad.

Ano ba talaga gusto ko? A stylist and a makeup artist. Working to make people beautiful, confident and joyous. When I was in second year highschool, I’ve realized my gift in fashion and beauty. My friends will always grab me to help them with what to wear and how should they look. Tatanungin ako kung bagay ba sakanya yung damit na yun, sapatos, etc. Or kung match ba yung bag na to sa outfit niya, and so fort. Also, I started my small business making earrings, necklaces and bracelets tapos ibebenta ko sa mga classmates ko. I remember, super nag-hit yung business ko na yun, up to the point na I go to divisoria weekly with my mom to buy new materials. Nung third year na ko, I secretly browsed schools where I may study fashion designing. I started collecting magazines, and became so inventive with my outfits.

October 2011, my mom passed away. I believe I took nursing kasi I want to make her happy, proud and feel accomplished. I’ve created my plans, that is to have a hospital experience here in Philippines for few years, work abroad, and bring them (my parents) to other country. All my plans evolved around her, wala kasi sa isip ko na she’ll leave me so soon. Now, I’m struggling. Striving SO hard to start with NOTHING in the industry that I really love.

Now, I’m trying to find a job that would pay me bigger,(so that I can earn enough money to have a formal training as a makeup artist and buy the things that I need), and less time requirement ( so I’ll have enough time to do what I love),hoping that someday, I’ll be working full-time as a stylist and makeup artist. Pero the question is, WHERE DO I START? I’m not a graduate of anything that is related with what I want to pursue. Madalas, I caught myself staring blankly and thinking: “ Ano nang gagawin ko? Pano ako magsisimula? Wala akong pera, education and training  that I can start with. LORD ANO NA?”

I’ve read a magazine where they featured Liz Uy, she narrated how she started and landed with where she is now. She’s a graduate pala ng HRM, she worked as a hotel associate first, then she decided to jump off into what she loved, that is to work in a fashion magazine. That she worked hard for everything, ipon lahat, hindi “thank you dad!”.  I was inspired, na-pump up nanaman spirit ko na kaya ko to, masisimulan ko to like Liz Uy. But after a moment, I came back to realization ulit na, “Pano? Saan ako magsisimula? Anong gagawin ko?”, then I felt low again, hopeless dreamer.

  

"Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, 'Because I bore him in pain.' And Jabez called on to God saying, 'Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.' So God granted him what he requested"--1 Chronicles 4:9-10

I don’t know how I would end this post, I just wanted to vent out my feelings and share to you my struggles, but I hope my post didn’t gave any burden or heaviness to your heart.  

Maybe someday, things will fall to their places, work according to what my heart’s content and work my way into it.

  

Loves and blessing,

Jerose <3